The Monkees, Season 1

Welcome to Season 1 of The Monkees TV Show Episode Guide.

Hey, Hey, Meet The Monkees: four young, plucky, out-of-work musicians, with long-hair and groovy clothes, who live together in a ramshackle California beach house trying to carve out a life for themselves different than their parents generation, and often find themselves in madcap adventures and unexpected romance as they struggle to make it as a band.

British Davy Jones, the charming heartthrob, stands at only 5’3”, but is often the object of various love interests and falling in love himself; Los Angeles native Micky Dolenz is zany and adventurous, often devising elaborate schemes to get the band out of trouble and using comedy and caricatures to laugh his way out of crazy situations; Texan Michael Nesmith is the cool, collected voice of reason, the rational problem solver, and mature leader of the group with deadpan delivery of humor; and Connecticut native Peter Tork, the sensitive, earnest, neurodivergent, is often showing how to see with childlike wonder, with his literal perception and innocent heart.

Together, these four men show that even if they have long hair, weird mishaps, and an unconventional lifestyle, “they’re just trying to be friendly”, and are “too busy singing to put anybody down.”

They’re the young generation—and they’ve got something to say! 📺 🎸❤️

Season 1 of The Monkees debuted on NBC September 12, 1966 and ended April 24, 1967. Below are summaries of each episode with songs, dates, quotes, and credits. Coming soon will be detailed pages for each episode.

The Monkees TV show is owned by Rhino/Time Warner. If you would like to purchase The Monkees TV series, it is currently available on Blu-Ray on the Rhino/Time Warner store: The Monkees Complete TV Series Blu-Ray. Thank you to Sunshine Factory for the transcribed scripts and screen shots used for all of this artwork!

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Episode 1: “Royal Flush”

While relaxing on the beach, Davy meets Princess Bettina, the Duchess of Harmonica, after rescuing her from a deflated raft in the ocean. After sharing with the other Monkees Davy suspects she is in danger, the quartet devise a plan to protect her from her evil uncle, the Archduke Otto, until she becomes queen on her eighteenth birthday.

Quotes
OTTO:
You have already been a most fortunate man once today, Mr. Jones.
DAVY:
I don’t understand.
OTTO:
We have a saying in our country: oon yama krim doe la ma tawn, cray boko see-me.
DAVY:
What does that mean?
OTTO:
A man who saves a drowning person risks drowning himself.

DAVY:
No, I-I don’t want to buy a princess phone; I’m trying to locate a princess. Princess Bettina.

DAVY:
Look, they’re trying to kill her!
MIKE:
How do you know?
DAVY:
Look, I know, I know; the guy threatened to kill me too.
MIKE:
What’d he say?
DAVY:
They said: oh yanka kimbo coowamba coo ma see-me.
MIKE:
What in the world does that mean?
DAVY:
Well, it doesn’t mean live and be well.

MICKY:
What are you worried about? We got the door all rigged, and besides, they have about as much chance as finding us here as I do of becoming Miss America.
MIKE:
♪ There she is, Miss America. ♪

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Episode 2: “Monkee See, Monkee Die”

When the Monkees do a good deed of returning a lost wallet, they are invited to the reading of the will of a late millionaire and learn they are to receive an inheritance. But as part of the stipulation, they must spend the night in the eccentric millionaire’s allegedly haunted mansion.

Quotes
RALPH:
That is Madame Roselle, the late Mr. Cunningham’s spiritualist. She reads minds, tells fortunes, reads palms.
MIKE:
Wanna read my palm?
MICKY:
Nah, I’ll wait ’til they make it into a movie.

MIKE:
Uh, well, look, um, I hate to inherit and run.
RALPH:
I’m sorry, gentlemen, but no one can leave the island before morning. The last ferry has been canceled due to the fog; it’s the middle of our foggy season.
MIKE:
Foggy season? What are ya—foggy season? When is that?
RALPH:
It’s hard to estimate, sir. I’d say approximately from eighteen hundred and twenty to nineteen hundred and seventy-five. 

MICKY:
He’s in love.
MIKE:
Yeah, for the first time today.

MIKE:
Yeah, the police! Hello, operator? Operator, get me the police. We need—ah, hello, operat—hello? Hello, operator. Hello, hello… The wires have been cut. Ha ha.
PETER:
They’ve been tied in a bow.
MICKY:
Well, at least, we know that the, uh, murderer is very neat.

MICKY:
Hey Davy! Come here. Take a look at this. Yes. And so you see, if you examine the angle of the blade, you will notice that it is precisely two centimeters north of the standard control latitude, proving conclusively that the murderer was, indeed, a man.
DAVY:
Could it have been a woman?
MICKY:
Yes, that is another possibility.

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Episode 3: “Monkee Versus Machine”

When Michael outsmarts 1966 era mainframe computer DJ61, he is hired to work in a toy factory. But when he learns the company’s intention for computer intelligence to take over the creation of a gifted elder toy maker, the Monkees take matters into their own hands.

Quote
MICKY:
A toy factory. “Needs unskilled help in non-essential job requiring no training or no experience.”
MIKE:
Hey, Peter! You don’t have any training, and you sure don’t have any experience; you’re the only one qualified.
MICKY:
Probably the only one in the city with those qualifications. At least, the only one that can read the ad.
PETER:
Just think, they put the ad in the paper to reach me. Ha ha.
MIKE:
That’s right.
PETER:
Why didn’t they phone?

DJ61:
What is your name?
MIKE:
Nesmith. What’s yours?
DJ61:
What?
MIKE:
Thank you, Mr. What, and what’s your first name?
DJ61:
It’s not “What”.
MIKE:
Mr. Notwhat What. And what is your occupation?
DJ61:
Name is not “Notwhat”. I am computer DJ sixty-one.
MIKE:
Oh, you’re a DJ. Look, I bet you got a great record collection. Tell me about your mother and father.
DJ61:
My mother was a duplicating machine.
MIKE:
Sex? Oh, I bet you’re a real swinger when you’re turned on. What a dirty old man.

MICKY:
My mommy won’t let me play with toys that, that burn or bash or scratch or, or go boom.

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Episode 4: “Your Friendly Neighborhood Kidnappers”

Convinced it will help their publicity, the Monkees agree to a staged kidnapping–only to be kidnapped for real by a rival band’s manager in order to prevent The Monkees from competing in a contest.

Quote
VINCENT VAN WAITRESS:
May I take your order now?
MICKY:
Oh, nothing for us, thanks; we just came in to have our clothes ripped off.

MR. TRUMP:
Alright. Goodbye. Goodbye. Well, baby, it’s all set. They’re gonna be here in about an hour.
MICKY:
Well, how should we dress for this thing. Is it formal?
MR. TRUMP:
Of course. Dress. Dress!
DAVY:
Black tie or white tie?
MR. TRUMP:
For a daytime kidnapping? Black tie.

VINCENT VAN GIRLFRIEND:
Hey!
DAVY:
What?
VINCENT VAN GIRLFRIEND:
Where are you two going?
DAVY:
I’m going home to get kidnapped.
VINCENT VAN GIRLFRIEND:
Well, I want to come too.
DAVY:
Okay.
VINCENT VAN GIRLFRIEND:
Come on, everybody, party at Davy’s place!

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Episode 5: “The Spy Who Came In From The Cool”

When Davy accidentally receives contraband microfilm in a purchased pair of red maracas, the CIA asks that the Monkees go undercover to help capture communist spies.

Quote
BORIS:
Madame, are you sure we need these disguises?
MADAME:
Of course we do. We must blend with our surroundings.
BORIS:
A teenager just stopped me and wanted a date.
MADAME:
Teenage girls are very aggressive in this country.
BORIS:
It wasn’t a girl.

HONEYWELL:
As you know, they are trying very hard to revitalize the Republican Party. What do you suggest?
MIKE:
Uh-huh. Well, I’d say a lot of pretty girls, lot of, uh, dancing, you know, music, stuff like that, a few hors d’oeuvres.
HONEYWELL:
Will that help the party?
MIKE:
It usually does.

MIKE:
It’s alright. It’s okay. Uh, ladies and gentleman, can I have your attention, please, just a minute? We’re very fortunate having a very, uh, famous folk singing duo with us tonight: Honey And The Bear. Come on up here on the stage. Honey And The Bear, with a little encouragement, I think they’ll probably sing one of their famous folk singing protest songs.
MICKY:
Great. Alright.
MIKE:
And you take the guitar and wail, baby.
MICKY:
Honey And The Bear. Come on, Honey And The Bear. They great? Ha ha.
BORRIS:
What do we do, Madame?
MIKE:
Let’s hear it for Honey and the Bear, folks
MADAME:
Have you ever sung, Boris?
BORIS:
Only for the district attorney.

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Episode 6: “Success Story”

When Davy misrepresents his life to his English grandfather as one of riches and success, the other three band members pose as Davy’s “help,” and improvise the appearance of grand wealth and status when his grandfather comes to call.

Quotes
DAVY:
Micky, as my chauffeur, how would you help a lady into the backseat of a car?
MICKY:
As quick as I can!

MIKE:
Oh, uh, merci, señor. Listen, don’t eat—
DAVY:
Uh, just serve it, my good man. I’m starved. That will be all. Thank you very much.
GRANDFATHER:
Mmm. My, that’s delicious.
PETER:
We could only afford one serving; yours is rubber.
DAVY:
But I’ll starve! Is the fruit rubber?
PETER:
No. It’s plastic.

GRANDFATHER:
Well, I must say, it’s a pleasure to see you so affluent. With a chef, chauffeur, and houseboy and a quiet beach side home.
DAVY:
Well, if money can’t buy you peace and privacy, what good is it?
HUNGRY NEIGHBOR:
Hi, Davy! I just came over to borrow some hot dogs. Hi, fellas.
DAVY:
Of course, I wouldn’t want too much privacy.

MIKE:
You wanna know something? Davy did this whole thing for you. I mean, he, he just wanted you to be proud of him. He, he wants you to think he was a success.
GRANDFATHER:
Davy needs a family. He can’t just go on frittering his life away.
MIKE:
Oh, man, be honest, it’s you. You’re not thinking of Davy at all. You want him back because you miss him or… you want him back because you need him.
GRANDFATHER:
No, that’s not true. I’ve, I’ve a duty to guide him.
MIKE:
Sure.

DAVY:
Well, fellas, the cab’s waiting. I have to go. I hate goodbyes.
MICKY:
Okay. Welcome to America, Davy.

DAVY:
Where’ve you been? I thought you’d miss the plane.
GRANDFATHER:
Ah, you men, step over here, will you? Oh, uh, I’ll not miss the plane, Davy, but you will. Eh, you lads have set the aircraft industry back a generation.
MICKY:
The disguises didn’t work, huh?
GRANDFATHER:
Davy, you’ve got three loyal friends here; I know I can leave you safely in their hands.
DAVY:
You’re going to have a long and lonely trip back.
GRANDFATHER:
Oh, not necessarily… [with newfound love interest] That’s my grandson, and that’s his staff. He’s quite a star, you know. Oh, he’s doing very well. Yes. He drives a Rolls. Ha ha. Shall we go now?

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Episode 7: “Monkees In A Ghost Town”

When the Monkee-mobile runs out of gas in a ghost town, the Monkees become prisoners of a team of gangsters and must use music as distraction and escape.

Quotes
PETER:
Cross at the green, not in between.
DAVY:
He’s been out in the sun too long.
MICKY:
He was no bargain in the shade.

MIKE:
Hey, look, what do you want?
LENNY:
What do I want? I want what any man wants; I want a job, and security, and a home, yeah, and PTA meetings, and cookouts on weekends. That’s what I want. Can, can you give me all of that?
MIKE:
Well, no.
LENNY:
Then… shut up! 

MICKY (AS THE BIG MAN):
Alright, neeeh. Where is everybody? This place looks like a ghost town! Ah ha ha ha ha.
PETER (AS SPIDER):
Ha ha ha ha.
GEORGE:
Who are you?
MICKY (AS THE BIG MAN):
Ah ha ha ha, that’s rich! Bright boy wants to know who I am. I like that; it shows he’s a bright boy.
LENNY:
You ain’t the… Big Man?
PETER (AS SPIDER):
They don’t come no bigger.

BESSIE:
Take ’em out and shoot ’em.
DAVY:
Hey, wait a minute! As one singing act to another, maybe you’ll give us one last request.
BESSIE:
I don’t do requests. Lenny?
MICKY:
In just a little while, we’ll be far away in the palladium up in the sky. But before we go, we’d like to do just one more encore.
BESSIE:
Sure, sonny, I know how it is; once a trooper, always a trooper. Lenny, let ’em do their number… Then shoot ’em.

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Episode 8: “Don’t Look A Gifthorse In The Mouth”

When Davy is asked to care for a horse a child’s family cannot afford to keep, after failing at farm work for pay, the Monkees end up in a race against the farmer-family’s nemesis to win money for the horse’s care.

Quotes
PETER:
Soup’s on, come and get it… Okay, try it. My own recipe.
MIKE:
Ah, cream of root beer.
PETER:
Mm-hm.
MIKE:
Well, Peter. You’ve reached a new low.

MR. BABBIT:
Alright. Where is he?
MICKY:
Where’s who?
MR. BABBIT:
Don’t play innocent with me, kiddo. You know who. I heard all that barking and screaming and growling; you’ve got a dog in here. You know my rules against pets; if I catch you keeping a dog in here, out you go.
MIKE:
That was no dog, Babbit; that was just Micky.
MR. BABBIT:
Eh?
MICKY:
Yeah. You know, I was doing my werewolf imitation.
MR. BABBIT:
Werewolf?
MICKY:
Yeah, you know, how y-you’re sometimes you’re a werewolf? Yeah, you know, how sometimes you walk around, and you growl, and, you, oh, you know, and you pretend you’re a werewolf sometimes. Pretend to be a werewolf. Well, I was just pretending to be a werewolf, growling around.
MR. BABBIT:
Well, if you were just pretending, okay.
MICKY:
Bye, Babbit.
MR. BABBIT:
But don’t let me catch you keeping a real werewolf in here!
MICKY:
Sure, Babbit.

DAVY:
Hey, kid! Hey, come here! Hey! Hey, come here. Come over here. Am I glad to see you; now you can take your horse back.
JONATHAN:
But I can’t take him back; Jeremy’s your horse now.
DAVY:
My horse? I don’t know what to do with him!
JONATHAN:
Just ride him, like you’ve been doing.
DAVY:
Why can’t you keep him?
JONATHAN:
Pa won’t let me. Says Jeremy costs too much. Says he’s gonna sell him. I bet if you talked to my pa, he’d listen.
DAVY:
Why should he listen to a stranger?
JONATHAN:
I don’t know. You talk good.

FARMER FISHER:
Alright. Come on, boys. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Lot of work to be done! You got to feed the hogs, got to plow the south forty, you got to milk the cows, you got to feed the chickens. Come on, boys. Come on. Come on. Come on, boys. Let’s go, boys.
MIKE:
Come on, we gotta go plow the cow.
MICKY:
Something about… I don’t… I’m supposed to milk the chicken.
PETER:
I think we have to feed the south forty.
DAVY:
Feed the chickens to the cow.

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Episode 9: “The Chaperone”

When Davy falls in love with a General’s daughter, the Monkees learn the young woman is not allowed to date or see Davy unless she is at “chaperoned parties”. Unable to find a suitable chaperone, Micky ends up posing as one–as a woman.

Quotes
MIKE:
How’d you make out?
MICKY:
Did the, uh, poll TV thing work?
DAVY:
She’s divine, lovely, beautiful, devoon, marvelous.
PETER:
Come on, Davy, quit fooling around; what TV show was she watching?
MICKY:
Ours, I hope.

MICKY (AS MICKY’S FATHER):
Listen, Vandy, old boy. My son–Micky–is grown up now, giving sort of a bash. You know, twisting, frugging, cha-cha-cha, all that sort of rot. Ah ha ha.

MICKY:
I thought he’d see the chaperone and leave.
MIKE:
Eh, so he stays a few minutes; he’ll be gone in a minute.
MICKY:
A few minutes? Man, he’s starting to get serious.
DAVY:
Look, Micky, will you calm down?
MICKY:
Calm down? How can I calm down?
DAVY:
He’ll be gone any minute… Hey, Micky? You’re lovely.

VANDENBERG:
Oh, no, no. There’s nothing the matter. On the contrary, everything’s wonderful. I want you to be the first to know Mrs. Arcadian has just consented to be my wife.
DAVY:
Oh.
MICKY (AS MRS. ARCADIAN):
Huh? Oh, Harley, heh… I think we can be good friends.
VANDENBERG:
Oh, we’ll honeymoon in Madrid, then fly to Rome, then on to Venice.
DAVY:
Hey, Micky, will you please tell him?
MICKY (AS MRS. ARCADIAN):
… Did you say Venice?

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Episode 10: “Here Come The Monkees [The Pilot Episode]”

When The Monkees are hired to play for at a Sweet Sixteen party, Davy falls in love with the birthday girl herself, Vanessa. But when Vanessa starts failing her classes because of her infatuation with Davy, the Monkees help her improve her grades, and regain the trust of her parents.

Quotes
MIKE:
Hey, Davy. Where you going, Dave?
DAVY:
I’ve got a date.
PETER:
Got your handkerchief?
MICKY:
Car fare?
MIKE:
Might rain. Better take your galoshes.
DAVY:
Hey, come on, you guys.
MICKY:
Your mother and I have been worried about you for some time now, Davy.
PETER:
Yeah, you’ve been setting a poor example for your baby brother.
MICKY:
Coochie coochie coo, baby, ha ha ha.
MIKE:
Please, son, don’t talk to no strangers after midnight.

VANESSA:
Oh, Davy, it’s so quiet and peaceful here.
MIKE:
Alexander Hamilton, you have accused me of treason, therefore, I challenge you to this duel.
MICKY:
Correct, Aaron Burr, you are a blaggard.
PETER:
Eight, nine, ten. [guns fired]
VANESSA:
Oh, I think you’re all crazy and wonderful.

VANESSA:
Miss Cooper, would you believe me if I told you I owed it all to a, a Monkee, and that my father’s prejudiced?

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Episode 11: “Monkees A La Carte”

When the Monkees are fired from a restaurant gig after witnessing the owner, Pop, get bullied by the mob into selling the establishment, the quartet poses as the “Purple Flower Gang” to rescue the restaurant back for Pop.

Quotes
FUSELLI:
Hey, Pop, would you like to see your mother roughed up?
POP:
My mother’s been dead for the last twenty years.
FUSELLI:
Do you think that’ll stop me?
PETER:
Hey, are those guys hoods?
MICKY:
They’re not social workers.

MIKE:
We have a motion to deal with Mr. Fuselli. Can I have suggestions from the floor?
PETER:
Floor has nothing to say.
MICKY:
Try the wall.
PETER:
The wall says, “Try the ceiling”.
MIKE:
Alright then, it’s voted and agreed that we try and get the restaurant back from Mr. Fuselli.
DAVY:
What vote? Was I out of the room or something?

FUSELLI:
Therefore, I am leaving the rest of the city to the four of you. Are there any objections?
MICKY:
Yeah. The Purple Flower Gang objects.
RED:
The Purple Flower Gang? I thought they were away for good.
FLORA:
Hey, if you’re the Purple Flower Gang, why you wearing white carnations?
MICKY:
You know how tough it is to get purple flowers, baby?

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Episode 12: “I’ve Got A Little Song Here”

When Michael is scammed into selling a song to High Class Music Publishing, the Monkees take matters into their own hands by turning the tables on the scammer, and winning back the money for Michael.

Quotes
MIKE:
This looks important. It says, “Congratulations. Because of your unusual taste and achievements, you have been selected for this exclusive offer.”
MICKY:
That’s for you, Mike?
MIKE:
Well, yeah. It’s “Dear occupant”.

DAVY:
Did I hear what I thought I heard? Is it possible he doesn’t know who you are?
MICKY (AS M.D.):
Please, no names; it will only embarrass him, and actually, it will make an amusing anecdote for my book!
PRODUCER:
Your book?
MICKY (AS M.D.):
Hrumph! My book! I’m writing an exposé of Hollywood: the false values, the phoniness, the fakery.
PRODUCER:
Is it taking you long to write?
PRODUCER:
I don’t know; I’m having it ghost written.

MIKE:
No, hold—wait, wait a minute, no, no, um, Miss Jans, listen this is really important to me. Does the name Mike Nesmith mean anything to you?
JOANNIE JANS:
Uh, no, it’s only a rumor. We’re just good friends.

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Episode 13: “One Man Shy [Peter And The Debutant]”

When The Monkees are hired to play for a debutant’s party, Peter Tork falls in love with Valerie, the debutant herself: but Peter does not feel confident around women. The Monkees decide to teach Peter courting manners, while dealing with Peter’s competition, cad of a guy Ronnie.

Quotes
RONNIE:
Oh. I beg your pardon. A gentleman does not stare at a lady.
PETER:
A beggar can look at a queen.
RONNIE:
Oh. Nevertheless, huh. I thought you gentlemen might like to know I found your music primitive, grotesque, and ugly.
MICKY:
But it sure keeps your foot tapping, don’t it?
MIKE:
I don’t like him at all.
DAVY:
I don’t like him either.
MICKY:
I don’t even like him that much.

DAVY:
I love you more every day of the week.
MICKY:
I love you twice as much on Friday, because I want the weekend off!

DAVY:
Hey, Peter. Didn’t you ever have a crush on anybody?
PETER:
Yeah, once.
DAVY:
So, what did you do about it?
PETER:
I took her to a Cub Scout meeting.
MICKY:
Didn’t anybody ever have a crush on you or nothing?
PETER:
I once got some threatening valentines.

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Episode 14: “Dance, Monkees, Dance”

When Peter is tricked into signing a lifetime contract for dance lessons at Renaldo’s Dance Au Go Go, the other three Monkees try to circumvent–only to be tricked into signing lifetime contracts themselves.

Quotes
MIKE:
Well, let me see it. It says here, “The party, at first part,” which is you, “now enrolls in series B.”
PETER:
See, I told you; it’s only the B series.
DAVY:
Whoa. For a minute, I thought it might have been the A course.
MIKE:
Yeah.
MICKY:
Well, what’s a B course?
MIKE:
It’s the lifetime contract.
DAVY, MICKY:
Lifetime?
DAVY:
What?
MIKE:
Yeah, and it’s with an option for renewal.

MIKE:
Boy, I got to tell you. This dancing school thing has really turned into a drag, a stone drag.
PETER:
How long can we keep this up?
MICKY:
Wait!
PETER:
What? What is it?
MICKY:
A brilliant idea.
PETER:
Well?
MICKY:
That’s what we need: a brilliant idea.

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Episode 15: “Too Many Girls [Fern And Davy]”

When the Monkees realize that Davy is girl-crazy and cannot focus when girls are near, the Monkees go to great lengths to keep girls from Davy. Despite their efforts, an overzealous stage-mother tricks Davy into pairing with her daughter for a talent competition.

Quotes
MIKE:
Oh, I think that about does it. Do you see any more, Micky?
MICKY:
No, I don’t see any more. How about you, Pete?
PETER:
No, how about you, Davy?
MICKY, MIKE, PETER:
Davy!
PETER:
Poor Davy.
MIKE:
He’s helpless, trapped by his own staggering good looks.
MICKY:
I myself am deeply jealous.

BADDERLY:
I understand you young men would like to have your tea leaves read.
MICKY:
Oh, no, I’m gonna bring mine home.
DAVY:
Why?
MICKY:
It’ll give me something to read in bed.

PETER:
But he was chained to chair!
MICKY:
Hey, what’s that?
MIKE:
It’s a letter for Davy. Special delivery, a heh.
MICKY:
Man, what could possibly make a person go dragging a chair across the city?
MIKE:
Says, “Dear Mr. Jones, you’ve been chosen to judge our fifth annual beauty pageant.”
MICKY:
That’d do it.

DAVY:
I’m going crazy. You can’t lock me up like this. Why are you doing it to me? You can’t lock me up like an animal. I know why he’s doing it; it’s because I’m short, that’s why. I’m short. That’s it.

DAVY:
Alright, fellas, you asked for it. A man in love has the strength of thousands. 

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Episode 16: “Son Of A Gypsy”

When the Monkees audition for a private party, they find they are competing with a band of gypsies. The Monkees get the gig, but the gypsies end up involving Peter in a heist to steal the prized Maltese Vulture.

[Apologies for the cultural appropriation and stereotypes found in this episode.]

Quotes
MARIA:
You must give us a chance to show there are no hard feelings; you must come to our camp.
PETER:
Oh, camp! Swimming, canoeing—
DAVY:
Oh, well, we’re really, you know—
PETER:
—arts and crafts.
MARIA:
Good! You will be there at noon tomorrow, and we will show you that a gypsy knows how to laugh.

DAVY:
You know, that was a lousy idea to come out here today.
PETER:
Well, I don’t know what you’re talking about. Oh, the woods are just so beautiful.
MICKY:
Yeah, famous last words.
PETER:
Whose?
MICKY, DAVY, MIKE:
Little Red Riding Hood.

MARIA:
We want each of you to have one of these good luck charms.
MARCO:
Notice, is boar tooth.
MIKE:
Oh, yeah, that’s a boar’s tooth, okay—ooh! Look—it’s a little bitty cavity.
MARCO:
Yes, but this group had twenty-seven percent fewer cavities.

KIKO:
When you think of gypsy, you think of a dancer.
PETER:
I think of Ethel Merman.

MARIA:
I warn you, we are desperate people.
MICKY:
Come on, Maria.
MARCO:
Maria? How you know my mother’s name is Maria?
MICKY:
Uh, it’s on her tent.
MARCO:
Who told you to read tent?!

---

Episode 17: “Case Of The Missing Monkee”

While listening to a science lecture, Peter discovers a nefarious plot to kidnap the scientist. No one believes Peter–that is, until Peter is kidnapped himself.

Quotes
NURSE:
Please! I have a job to do. Occupation?
MICKY:
Uh, uh, he’s a musician.
NURSE:
A musician?! Ah! I love the tuba!
MICKY:
Miss, he’s been in an accident!
DAVY:
Ohh!
NURSE:
Oh, well, let’s see. Um, I don’t suppose you’re old enough to qualify under Medicare…
DAVY:
Well, I wasn’t when I came in here, but, uh.

MARCOVICH:
Shut up!
PETER:
You can’t do that to me. I need love and understanding. My mother rejected me. My sister resented me. I’ve lost all my confidence. And now, this operation.
MARCOVICH:
What is that?
PETER:
Ben Casey, act one.

MIKE:
Oh. Listen, we haven’t got a minute to spare. We gotta get out there and find Peter. Hello? Yeah, Bruno just gave us physical therapy. Yeah, Peter’s somewhere in hospital. Yeah, Doctor Schnitzler’s still missing. Okay. Goodbye!
MICKY:
That was the police?
MIKE:
No, it was TV Guide. Shh.

PETER:
Keep your hands off me! Do you know who I am? Wait a minute. Who am I?

---

Episode 18: “I Was A Teenage Monster”

The Monkees are hired to give music lessons to what turns out to be a teenage “monster”. Little do the Monkees know that the mad scientist is trying to use them for something else.

Quotes
MIKE:
Um, um, Doctor Mendoza? I-I sort of assume that you want us to teach your friend rock and roll.
MENDOZA:
That’s right. Rock and roll really appeals to the little monster.
DAVY:
Oh, it’s a child. Is he your son?
MENDOZA:
Well, yes, I guess you could say he is my own flesh and blood. Ha! Ho ho ho ho. Come, we must meet it… him.
MIKE:
You know, there are overtones of this thing I don’t like.
DAVY:
Don’t you get it? It’s a joke, man. “Own flesh and blood.” It’s a joke.
MIKE:
Oh, yeah. Ha ha.

MENDOZA:
He’s not a monster; he’s a machine.
MIKE:
Well, we can’t tutor a computer. A ha ha.
PETER:
Fellas, I find it hard to believe he’s dangerous.
DAVY:
I find it very hard to believe Peter.

MICKY:
Okay, I think I got it. I think I got it this time. Ready? Here goes nothing. Okay, Mr. Monster, are you back to normal?
MONSTER:
I would do this room in French Provincial.
MIKE:
No, Micky. What is this called?
MONSTER:
The color scheme should be lavender and puce. Or this.

MENDOZA:
Android, I’m your master. Kill The Monkees!
PETER:
Android! Andy! Andy, wait! I’m Peter, your friend. The doctor is an evil man. He wants to exploit you. You’re only a pawn in his hands, a tool for his avaricious ambition.
MIKE:
“Avaricious ambitions”? Where did he get that?
DAVY:
It’s in the script.
MIKE:
Are you sure?
DAVY:
Yeah, on page twenty-eight.
MIKE:
Oh.
PETER:
Besides, he wants sixty percent of your income.
MONSTER:
Sixty percent!

---

Episode 19: “Find The Monkees [The Audition]”

When the Monkees learn that all the local bands except theirs received invitations to audition for Hubbell Benson’s new show, the Monkees are determined to be heard by Hubbell Benson through any means possible–even if they have to overcome hiccups, seasickness, and hay fever, then play inside a telephone booth.

Quotes
PETER:
Oh, hey, it’s the Jolly Green Giants.
JG GIANT:
Yo ho ho!
MIKE:
Hey, uh, what’s new, Jolly Green Giants? Uh, ho ho ho.
JG GIANT:
Hiya, Monkees. You wanna know what we got in the mail?
MICKY:
Yes.
JG GIANT:
An autographed photo of Annette Funicello.
MICKY:
Ohhhh…!
DAVY:
We thought you meant you got an invitation to Benson’s audition.
JG GIANT:
Oh, yeah. We got that too.

CHOMSKY:
You say you know Mr. Benson?
PETER:
Know him? Why, he cured my hiccups!

OPERATOR (voiceover):
That will be ten cents, please, for the next three minutes.
DAVY:
Got any money?
MIKE:
No, uh, Micky, have you got any?
DAVY:
Oh, thank you. Well, hello? Mr. Benson? How did you like that? Mr. Benson? Hello? Operator?
OPERATOR (voiceover):
Hello, may I help you, sir?
DAVY:
Oh, yeah, uh, we’re musicians, and we’re rehearsing… I mean, um, we’re, we’re auditioning in a phone booth, and we got cut off. What we gonna do now?
OPERATOR (voiceover):
Do you know “Melancholy Baby”?
DAVY:
Oh, that’s very funny, yeah.

---

Episode 20: “Monkees In The Ring”

Davy is picked up by a boxing promoter who convinces Davy he has a chance as a boxer–little does he know the fights are fixed.

Quotes
DAVY:
It doesn’t mean I’m gonna become a boxer.
MIKE:
Well, what do you wanna go down there for, man? Just to see him is ridiculous.
MICKY:
Hey, man, you know, boxing is really bad for maraca players.
DAVY:
You’ve gotta admit, we need the money. Things have been a little tight lately, you know.
MICKY:
Tight? What tight, man? Look at this place. It’s, it’s beautiful. How elegantly furnished it is. Look at this beautiful lamp, man, and a beautiful chair, and look at this table…
[Table breaks]
MICKY:
A heh heh… Don’t look at the table.

DAVY:
I used to be quite a scrapper at school, you know. There was this one big bully, always used to be picking on me. So one day, I went whammo with the right and whammo with the left.
MIKE:
And what it, what happened?
MICKY:
She never bothered me again.

DAVY:
Now, come on, fellas, I’m just going on a simple boxing tour. I’ll be alright, Mike.
MIKE:
Okay. But listen, man. You’re gonna be going to a lot of strange cities, and there’s always one hotel with a lot of gambling and drinking and a lot of fast women, a lot of loose talk. You know what to do when you get to town?
DAVY:
Find that hotel.
MIKE:
You’ll do fine.

---

Episode 21: “The Prince And The Pauper”

When Davy Jones is accidentally mistaken for a prince, he learns that the real life prince, Ludlow, is too shy to court Wendy, the woman he loves. Davy agrees to impersonate Prince Ludlow to help convince Wendy to marry the prince.

Quotes
MIKE:
Your sash is crooked.
DAVY:
You’re not my real mother!

COUNT MYRON:
You didn’t think you could carry off this childish charade? Throw the prince into the dungeon.
PRINCE LUDLOW:
Wait! There’s been something I’ve been wanting to tell you for a long time, Count Myron. You’re a pompous windbag, a funk, and a pony!
MICKY:
A funk and a pony?

MIKE:
Well, I’ll tell you, Davy. You know, there was a wise old man, lived about five thousand years ago.
DAVY:
Really?
MIKE:
His name Ling-Fu Yang.
DAVY:
Oh.
MIKE:
And he once said, he said, “If apple seed turns to wing, it’ll fly away a beautiful butterfly. But if a butterfly turns into apple seed, it’ll just lay there on the ground.” That’s what Ling-Fu Yang said five thousand years ago.
DAVY:
Oh, really? What does that mean?
MIKE:
I just don’t have any idea.

---

Episode 22: “Monkees At The Circus”

The Monkees learn that the circus is in town–and that the trendy, long-haired singing groups are running them out of the business. Disguising themselves as anything but, the Monkees work to save the circus.

Brief moment of Micky Dolenz singing the theme song to the TV show he starred in as a child, Circus Boy.

Quotes
DAVY:
Listen, let me ask you a question. How long have you been with the circus?
VICTOR:
Over twenty years.
DAVY:
And have things always been good?
VICTOR:
Well, no, but that doesn’t—
DAVY:
Of course not! ’Cause that’s the way the circus is. And what did your father do?
VICTOR:
He was a performer in the circus, the same as me.
DAVY:
And your grandfather?
VICTOR:
Him too.
DAVY:
The circus is a tradition, and it’s a tradition to the children also. The kids’ll come back to the circus; all you have to do is be here when they do. But the important thing is you must have hope. You can’t give up, and soon the crowds will come back to the circus.

MICKY:
Hello! We have come to save the circus from distress!
VICTOR:
Who are these people?
DAVY:
Who are we? Would you ask, “Who are these people?” to the Budapest String Quartet?
VICTOR:
I still say who are you?
PETER:
We are the Budapest String Quartet.

PETER:
Hey, Mike! Mike, the circus is saved: The Mozzarella Brothers are coming!
MIKE:
Yeah, but—The Mozzarella Brothers are us.
PETER:
Us?
MIKE:
Yeah.
PETER:
U-S? Us?
MIKE:
Oh, Peter; you’re amazing.
PETER:
Does that mean I have to carry the glasses?

---

Episode 23: “Captain Crocodile”

In an unfortunate career move, The Monkees are booked on a children’s television variety show: The Captain Crocodile Show. Chaos and mayhem ensue as the Monkees battle unruly children, an insecure TV host, and the realization they were hired to have pies thrown at them rather than play their instruments.

Quotes
HOWARD:
One minute to air? One minute to air! One minute to air! One minute to air! One minute and air! One minute to air, Captain.
CAPTAIN:
How do I look, Howard?
HOWARD:
Oh, beautiful, beautiful.
CAPTAIN:
Don’t lie to me, Howard.
MICKY:
Hey, look out, guys.
PETER:
Hold it.
MICKY:
So this is the world of television.
PETER:
Well, that’s funny; it doesn’t look like a vast wasteland.

MICKY:
This guy must be important. Man, we’re on the road to success.
MIKE:
Yeah, we’re almost at the heights.
DAVY:
We’re nearly at the top of the heap.
PETER:
It’s all downhill from here!

PINTER:
Wait a minute. What’s wrong with The Captain Crocodile Show?
MIKE:
Well, nothing, if you like a pie in your face.
PINTER:
Wait a minute. I’ll call the president of the network. [on the phone] Get me Australia. Hello, Sydney?
MICKY:
Man, it takes me ten minutes to get a dial tone.

---

Episode 24: “Monkees A La Mode”

The Monkees learn they are going to be featured in a highbrow teen fashion magazine–only to realize the pretentious publication plans on creating a false narrative of their lives for the sake of maintaining a certain image.

Quotes
DAVY:
Hey, we don’t subscribe to Chic magazine, do we?
MIKE:
I’m hip. It’s a fashion magazine. Says here, “Necklines are plunging lower every year. This year, the V will go down to the tummy in something of a peekaboo effect. Get into the swing of fashions and have your own naval observatory.”
DAVY:
You must be joking.
MIKE:
You’re right. I am; it doesn’t say that at all.

ROB ROY:
They won’t do.
MIKE:
Wait-wait-wait. Wait a minute. What do? Do what?
ROB ROY:
Do. Do.
MIKE:
I beg to differ with you. Madame Quagmeyer wrote us a letter and said we would do. I’m not sure what kind of do, but we’ll do something.
ROB ROY:
I’m Rob Roy Fingerhead, the chief staff photographer. This is Toby Willis; she’ll write the story.
TOBY:
You see, what we want to do is show what you are, and the way you live.
DAVY:
What, you want to get us arrested?

ROB ROY:
Now, as you know, Chic is the magazine of style. Now then, where’s your style?
MIKE:
Hm? Oh, well, we usually keep it in the bathtub.

COLLINS:
And you, where did you say you were from?
MIKE:
Well, I didn’t say, but I’m from Texas.
COLLINS:
Texas? Whatever were you doing way out there?
MIKE:
Well, I realize it’s probably beyond your scope, but I lived there.

---

Episode 25: “Alias Micky Dolenz”

When Micky learns that he has a doppelgänger, “the most vicious killer in America” career-criminal Baby Face Morales, he agrees to impersonate Baby Face to gain information for the police.

Quotes
CAPTAIN:
It’s you–It’s him! Watch out!
MICKY:
Here we go again–Look, I’ve just come in to report a beating.
CAPTAIN:
Did you kill him?
MICKY:
I didn’t do the beating!
CAPTAIN:
Oh, believe me, I’m sorry.
MICKY:
No, it’s okay–I don’t think I can take any more apologies.
MIKE:
Wh-wh-would you, hold it! Both of you, please. This is Micky Dolenz of The Monkees. Thank you.
CAPTAIN:
You mean you’re not Baby Face?
MICKY:
Baby—? Well, my mother used to call me goo-goo eyes–Gah.

PATROLMAN:
Hi, I saw the lights on here, and, uh, you, uh, you know, the, uh, Dewitt’s are abroad, and there isn’t supposed to be anybody here.
MIKE:
Yeah, oh, I know that. I know that.
PATROLMAN:
You know, every time I see a house with, uh, with lights on,s and there’s, uh, not supposed to be anybody here, it means one thing to me.
MIKE:
Yes, yes, mm-hm?
PATROLMAN:
Got these tickets here for the policeman’s ball; they’re three bucks a piece and twenty for the batch.
MIKE:
Yeah, I want a whole batch.
PATROLMAN:
Oh, great. Hey, I’m glad I got you in.
MIKE:
Thanks a lot.

---

Episode 26: “Monkees Chow Mein”

While dining at a local Chinese restaurant, Peter discovers a plot to unleash the dreaded Doomsday Bug.

[Apologies for the cultural appropriation and stereotypes found in this episode].

Quotes
MODELL:
You’re frightened, aren’t you?
MIKE:
Oh, you’re very perceptive.
MODELL:
You should be; making a pick-up of stolen security information is a very serious offense.
MIKE:
What is—pick up of what?
DAVY:
Security information? What’s—
MICKY:
Yeah, I thought this was a kidnapping.
MODELL:
Kidnapping? This is the Central Intelligence Service, and your friend was picked up with a piece of classified information.
MIKE:
Huh?
MICKY:
Oh.
MIKE:
Oh, you mean the fortune cookie. Oh, I could explain that. You see, Peter picks up fortune cookies like that and takes them home and feeds them to a dog we don’t have.
DAVY:
Yeah.
MODELL:
Uh-huh.

DAVY, MIKE:
It’s Monkeemen!
MIKE:
Men.
MICKY, PETER:
We’re saved!
MIKE:
Now, like the inspector said, we’ll use psychological warfare. Ha ha, ha, ha ha.
DAVY:
Ha ha ha. Ha ha. Ah ha. Ah ha. Ho ho. Ah ha. Ah ha. Oh ha. Ah. Wah. You’re a nail biter. You’re a nail biter, and your mother never, ever loved you.
TOTO:
You are too short. You are too short, and you have no ear for music.
DAVY:
Oh, oh, Mike! Mike! Oh, help me, Mike!
MIKE:
Yes, I’ll, I’ll handle this. You’re ugly. You’re an ugly person. Ugly, ugly! Ooh, are you ugly! Nobody likes you, least of all me.
TOTO:
Oh!
MIKE:
Nobody, nobody likes you. Take that.

---

Episode 27: “Monkee Mother”

When the Monkees take in a new tenant to help pay their rent, they find she is controlling their every move. The Monkees decide that the proper way to cut ties with her is to find her a husband.

Quotes
MIKE:
What is this, violation of the housing code seven sixteen: illegal storage of inflammable material. Well, I’m sorry, but Mr. Schneider is not firewood; he’s our dummy!
MR. BABBIT:
A mere technicality.
MIKE:
Well, it’s not to him.
DAVY:
I think you’re making all this up!
PETER:
Yeah, you just want an excuse to make us pay our rent.
MR. BABBIT:
Yeah, I’m pretty unreasonable about things like that.

LARRY:
Oh boy. That was a tough one.
MILLY:
Thank you, Larry. You did a nice job.
LARRY:
Well, I had a little help.
MICKY:
My arms, I can’t move my arms.
MIKE:
I can’t move your arms either.

DAVY:
Just repeat after me: Milly, your eyes are like cupcakes floating in a sea of sour cream.
LARRY:
Your eyes are like cupcakes floating in a sea of sour cream?

---

Episode 28: “Monkees On The Line”

When the Monkees have trouble finding work because there is no one to answer their phone, they decide to kill two birds with one stone and work for a phone answering service–but they make the unfortunate mistake of getting involved with the clients.

Quotes
DREHDAL:
Well, now that you boys are joining the firm, I can go to Jamaica with a free mind.
MIKE:
Jamaica?!
DREHDAL:
That’s right, honey.
MIKE:
W-w-w-wait a minute! You haven’t told me how to handle any of this stuff.
DREHDAL:
Why, nothing could be easier! The phone rings, ding-a-ling-a-ling, you plug it in the hole, you answer it, you write down the message, when the client calls in, you give him the message. What could be easier?
MIKE:
Going to Jamaica.

MIKE:
Wait, w-wait a minute. Who is this message for?
ELLEN:
Who is it for? It’s for the whole rotten world.
MIKE:
The whole rotten world? No, I’m sorry; they are not listed—uh, hold on a second. Hello?

MIKE:
That girl. She’s going to end it all.
DAVY:
What girl?
MIKE:
On the phone.
PETER:
I don’t see any girl on the phone. Do you see any—

---

Episode 29: “Monkees Get Out More Dirt”

While laundering their clothes at the local laundromat, the Monkees fall in love with April–the tall, blonde laundress doing her doctor’s thesis on “laundry science”. Initially the Monkees compete for her attention, but after seeing it’s hurting her and their camaraderie, The Monkees draw straws to decide who can pursue her.

Quotes
APRIL:
Well, you may not realize it, but laundry is a science. Like astronomy, physics…
MIKE:
What are you doing here?
DAVY:
April and I are having a private conversation about laundering science. It’s a science, you know!
MIKE:
Yeah?
DAVY:
Yeah, that’s right; it’s like astrology. 

APRIL:
Well, do you realize that all over the world, there’s a great reservoir of untapped dirt.
DAVY:
You know, there’s a touch of poet in her.
MIKE:
Uh-huh.
APRIL:
Well, how do we conquer that brave new world of dirt? I’ll tell you. The answer is… the washing machine!

DAVY:
How did he do that?
MICKY:
A man in love has the strength of thousands!

---

Episode 30: “Monkees In Manhattan”

When The Monkees arrive in New York City to be in a Broadway musical, they learn their financial backer falls through–so the Monkees distract the hotel manager while they search for a new backer at a millionaire’s club.

Quotes
MICKY:
How do you do? I’m Doctor Dolenz. Terrible about Medicare, isn’t it?
WEATHERWAX:
Never mind about that. Examine him, doctor. What I want to know is, is he really sick, or is it merely sham?
MICKY:
Of course, he’s sick; he had sham when he was twelve years old.
CORELL:
Say ah.
MICKY:
Just a minute. If you examine that man, I surrender all responsibility to this case.
CORELL:
Now, take it easy, doctor—
MICKY:
Ah, barging in on a man’s case. Hm-hm. I think the ethics practice committee would like to hear about this.
CORELL:
Well, I don’t want to get involved with them again.
WEATHERWAX:
But is he sick?
PETER:
How’s my heartbeat?
MICKY:
Fine, but the melody don’t make it. 

BUTLER:
Uh, I should have warned you, sir; this is the time for their mid-evening nap.
DAVY:
Oh.
MICKY:
They all go to sleep at once?
BUTLER:
With the help of a little brandy, sir.
PETER:
Oh.
MICKY:
Oh.
BUTLER:
You see, I’ve backed a few shows in my time. So I thought, why not keep a good thing for myself?
MICKY:
Hey, hey! We got an angel! Oh, wow! Great!
DAVY:
Great, terrific, fantastic. Yeah, man.

---

Episode 31: “Monkees At The Movies”

Discovered by being their natural selves on the beach, The Monkees are asked to be extras in Frankie Catalina’s new beach movie. But after Frankie Catalina’s egotistical attitude rubs the Monkees the wrong way, they decide to turn the tables on Frankie with Davy as the star.

Quotes
PHILO:
Boys, say hello to Luther Kramm. Mr. Kramm gave you Beach Party Honeymoon.
PETER:
You didn’t give it to us; we had to pay for it.
MIKE:
Yeah, it costs us eighty cents at the drive-in.
PHILO:
Well, it was worth it, wasn’t it?
MIKE:
Um… you owe me sixty cents.

KRAMM:
This isn’t just another beach movie. This is a cinema landmark! It’s about sadness, and pain, and cruelty: all the things that make life worthwhile.

PETER:
He has no right to act that way. Who does he think he is?
MICKY:
No longer shall we suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous Catalina. On the morrow, we will show that popinjay he doth abused The Monkees at his own peril.
PETER:
What does that mean?
MICKY:
It means The Monkees strike back.

MICKY:
What the industry wants to know, Kramm, is who’ll be replacing Frankie Catalina?
MIKE:
After all, you are the greatest judge of acting talent in Hollywood, and you know your own mind.
KRAMM:
Well, I’m, uh, I’m thinking of using Terry Bishop.
MIKE:
That no talent—
MICKY:
He’s no Davy Jones.
KRAMM:
Or, uh, perhaps Tony Davenport.
MICKY:
A teenage failure! He’s made so many B-pictures, he’s getting fan mail from hornets.
MIKE:
And he’s no Davy Jones, either.
KRAMM:
How about Billy Tobias?
MICKY:
Well.
MIKE:
I don’t know, he looks a little like Davy Jones.
PETER:
Hey, here’s something. Freddie Freeman: I’ve seen all his movies.
KRAMM:
I don’t know; he’s no Davy Jones.

KRAMM:
That settles it; we’ve got our star. Such energy, such excitement.
PHILO:
You’re right, L.K.; he’s a great disc jockey.
KRAMM:
Not the disc jockey, Davy Jones!
PHILO:
Oh, yeah.
KRAMM:
Are you sure you’re my nephew?

KRAMM:
What do you mean, you’re leaving my picture?
DAVY:
I appreciate the opportunity, Mr. Kramm, but music’s our business, not jumping around on a beach.
KRAMM:
I offer you a million-dollar career—
DAVY:
Besides, all this is spoiling my character. My character. My character. My character. My character. My character. My character. My character. My character.

---

Episode 32 “Monkees On Tour”

Rockumentary of Monkees being on tour: live concerts videos, interviews, intimate moments, and radio publicity.

Quotes
MIKE:
Peter stated it real well. Your life when you go out on the road turns into an endless tunnel of just limousines and airplanes and hotel rooms. And all of a sudden there’s one brief period of light, and that’s when you walk out there on the stage, you know. And it all seems worthwhile.

PETER:
After a concert, my ears are ringing for… around twelve hours, and after a number of days of this kind of thing, you, you really need some absolute quiet for a while. And, uh, it’s not, it’s not fun to avoid people all the time, you… spend all your time running from, that’s nowhere. So, you, you walk, just, uh, a little green, and a little quiet, you hope, if you can find it any place. Helps if you can.

DAVY:
How many days—I’ve lost, man, I lose track of time. I don’t know what—I couldn’t tell you what day it was today. I, you know, you got every—at home, you got everything worked out from hour to hour or from minute to minute. Here, you know, you, you don’t what you’re gonna do. Like, uh, I got up this morning at eleven o’clock, and I went over there and played with the damn—with the swan for an hour.

MICKY:
This morning, I went to this house that, uh, a man had built all by himself, and I really got hung up on it, ’cause, uh, when I was a kid, I, I used to build a lot of things. And I know I’ve got a lot going for me with the music and the show and everything, but, but still, uh, someday, I’d, I’d like to make something, something that’ll last. Something important. Something I, I can say is my own.

MIKE:
We’d like to thank everybody for making it a wonderful stay. We’d like to thank the Rolling Stones for being a great group. We’d like to thank the Mamas and Papas for making it good. We’d like to thank Lovin’ Spoonful for making it happy. But most of all, we’d like to thank the Beatles for starting it all up for us.

---